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Thursday, April 26, 2012

Down Here



In memory of Blake Starr, Justin Sollohub, and everyone we’ve lost down here.

Growing up in a slow moving, small, southern town gives a person a different outlook on life. Outsiders might think southerners are at a disadvantage without skyscrapers and a Starbucks on every corner, but small town folks have something that some will never have-a place where everybody knows your name.

Down here, people still buy tomatoes and boiled peanuts at roadside stands and chat about the weather with the stand owner whom they’ve known for 20 years. Walking into Wal-Mart is like walking into a high school reunion, and Saturdays are spent sipping lemonade (or beer) by Terrapin creek with old friends.

Down here in this little corner of Northeastern Alabama, people grow up together. The town grows up together. In Jacksonville, Alabama, most kids attend Kitty Stone Elementary, and friends made in kindergarten often remain friends for life.

Growing up in a small town, a person’s identity is based on more than who he or she was at one point in time. Whereas others might see a man, small town friends see a toothless six year old from first grade, the best kickball player in fourth grade, a slightly awkward adolescent at the 8th grade dance, and a fellow graduate from Jacksonville High School.

Down here, high school sweethearts get married and elementary school friends attend the wedding. Some friends even go on to become college buddies.

Down here, people get to read the whole book from cover to cover, not just a chapter.  

A family is the foundation a person, and in a small town, folks know a person’s family. Friends in in 4th grade have siblings in 6th grade and older brothers play basketball together. Families are referred to by their last names - the Tippets, the Joneses, the Sollohubs, the Starrs.

People don’t just grow up together down here. Families grow up together.

Those school years don’t last forever. Some friends stick around and raise their own little families while others move off. Either way, people have a tendency to lose touch. They spread out, especially these days. But for those fortunate enough to grow up in a small town, there’s always that place to come back to. There’s always that group of people that can never be replaced in time, heart or memory.

A hometown and the family and friendships that it holds is like a safety net. It’s always there, sometimes just a car ride away, sometimes an airplane ride away. When life gets tough, a person can always come back home.

Occasionally, however, that solid piece of earth that folks have known all of their lives gets shaken, or worse. Sometimes it gets ripped apart like the aftermath of an Alabama tornado.  The recent loss of two wonderful, young men, Blake Starr and Justin Sollohub, reminded the little town of Jacksonville, Alabama just how fragile life can be.

The passing of someone in a small town affects the entire community.  Friends and cousins and schoolmates come from all over with tears in their eyes, packing into one of the local churches to pay their respects.

One phrase can be heard over and over: “It’s been so long. Too bad it takes something like this to bring everyone back together.”

It is too bad, but it shows just how many people care. It shows just how many lives can be touched by one person in one little town.

I started first grade in Kitty Stone Elementary with Blake’s little sister, and my sister started 3rd grade with Blake. Justin was one grade above me, and his little sister was one grade below me. I played softball with Blake’s sister and PARD soccer with Justin.

We all grew up together. Our families grew up together, down here.

Last month, Blake’s funeral was held at West Side Baptist Church. That’s the same church I attended when I first moved to Alabama. The Reverend Truman Norred officiated the service.

Over 20 years ago I sat in that church as a fidgety child, listening to that same pastor speak his words of love. The Starr family sat a few pews ahead or behind, listening to the same words.

I’ve spent the past 10 years trying to escape the mistakes I made as a teenager in this little town. I’ve traveled around to big conferences in fancy clothes, and kept my small town roots and my past mistakes hidden.  

Blake and Justin helped me remember that this little town made me who I am. They helped me remember that every chapter of life is important. A person is an entire book, not just a chapter.

To me, Blake will always be a grinning teenager who grew up to be a loving husband, brother and son.

To me, Justin will always be an energetic 12 year old playing soccer who grew up to be a heroic police officer.

In the Miranda Lambert song, “The House that Built Me,” she sings, “You move on you leave home and you do the best you can. I got lost in this big world and forgot who I am.” In the song, she goes back and visits the house she grew up in.

I thought about going back to the house in Jacksonville that I grew up in, the house that built me, but I didn’t need to. I realized that I’d already come back to the place that built me, and it wasn’t a house. It was this little town, down here.

I am so thankful that Blake and Justin were a part of this town, and they always will be. 

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Cyber–Bullying: What Can We Do as Parents?


Cyber-bullying is increasing at an alarming rate, thus, it is vital that steps are taken to decrease and prevent further incidents. Most schools now have a zero tolerance policy and require both students and parents to sign anti-bullying contracts at the beginning of the school year. Laws against cyber-bullying are popping up from state to state.    

In the media, critics place blame on school officials and claim that charges should have been pressed in many cases. But what about the parents? Parents are the strongest advocates and disciplinarians for their children, so what can we do as parents of a bullied or bullying teen?

Parents should also have a zero tolerance policy for bullying.

Parental support is considered a strong, protective factor against bullying, and is associated with decreased incidents of bullying, including both face-to-face encounters as well as cyber-bullying. Talk to your kids. Be there for them. Show them love, compassion and empathy.

If you suspect your teen is being cyber-bullied, do not take it lightly, especially if you notice that it’s causing your teen distress. Contact the bully’s parents immediately. Find out how often your child encounters the bully at school or other places. Look over all instances of written harassment (Facebook posts, emails, texts), and if it is truly concerning, file a harassment charge.

Do not give your kids free access to the computer and Internet. Whether they’re 9 or 17, they are still your kids. Before long, they will be grown and you won’t have a say in their computer use, so use this time while you can.

Telling a teenager she cannot use Facebook at all will probably cause more distress than necessary. However, limiting the time spent on social networking sites is both healthy and necessary. Requiring your teenager to give you access to his or her account is a perfectly reasonable and even necessary request, especially if you suspect bullying.

A good strategy is to have your child’s passwords on hand, but always ask first to view his or her profile. Do this in a gentle and friendly manner. Let your kids know that you are doing this to support and protect, not to snoop and control. 

If they refuse to show you their profiles, look for yourself. If they refuse to give you passwords, take away the computer. An angry teenager yelling at her mother is better than a depressed teenager dealing with social bullying alone.

Do not hesitate to seek psychological help, especially if you notice any signs of depression. In a recent study, cyber-bullying was shown to be the only form of bullying that significantly increases depression in teen victims (Wang, 2010).   

If you discover that your child is engaging in cyber-bullying, take the computer away immediately, no questions asked. (Note: it is not necessary to shoot the computer with a shotgun, as the father did in the popular You Tube video).

Engage in frequent discussions imploring the reasons behind the bullying behavior. The teen should take responsibility for his or her actions and realize the damage that it may be causing another person. Require your teen to personally apologize to the victims. Teach your kids love, compassion and empathy.  You may need to seek psychological help for your teen. He or she may be acting out for reasons unknown to you.

The increasing problem and public awareness of cyber-bullying has resulted in tough policy enforcement in schools and the enactment of new laws against this form of harassment. However, as parents, we have the greatest power of all to stand up to this problem. Take it seriously. You’ll be doing your children a huge favor, even if they don’t see it like that at the time.   


http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/09/100925115115.htm

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Bullying – From Grandpa’s Schoolyard to the Cyber World


Bullying is a dangerous and disturbing epidemic of today's youth, markedly different from the outdated view of bullying as typical, childhood antics in the schoolyard. The increasing use of the Internet and social networking sites has created a separate and deeply complex epidemic, now called “cyber-bullying."  

Although bullying was never condoned, it hasn’t always been a detrimental problem of our youth. Not too long ago, grandfathers told tales of schoolyard bullying with reminiscent humor.  Gathered around the fire, children listened to Grandpa recount stories, as he rocked back in forth in his chair, describing how he learned to defend himself against the “playground pusher” or how he outsmarted the “lunch money thief.”

Sadly, bullying tales today are drastically different.  

We no longer sit by the fire with Grandpa laughing about the lunch money thief. Today’s tales are more likely to be discussed around the kitchen table with a distressed mother, a pissed off father, and a crying teenager.   

In fact, the term “bullying” may not be appropriate anymore, since it still has connotations suggestive of somewhat innocent, childhood antics. Bullying was the term that Grandpa used to recount schoolyard tales, but let’s be realistic; what is happening today is more like harassment, defamation, and even assault.

The problem is greatly exacerbated by the widespread access and use of the Internet.   

Sonia Livingstone, social psychologist and leading expert on children and the Internet, describes today’s youth as the “digital generation.” Although there are many positive aspects of Internet use and even social networks, there are many negative aspects as well. Bullying can now take place from miles away with complete anonymity.

Cyber-bullying is increasing at an alarming rate, and the long-term consequences can be detrimental. One report claims that “about 20-40% of youths have experienced cyber-bullying” (Tokunaga, 2010), and it is associated with emotional distress (Wang, et. Al., 2009) and most likely increased levels of depression (Campbell, 2005). Unfortunately, since it is a relatively new problem, little research has been conducted on the issue. Such research is more vital than ever.
  
The consequences of cyber-bullying could be fatal. The problem has drawn national attention with recent tragedies such as those of Megan Meier, Amanda Cummings, Tyler Clementi, and many other beautiful, young people who died by suicide shortly after incidents of cyber-bullying.

Although suicide is a serious problem indicative of deeper mental and emotional distress, there can certainly be catalysts that push people over the edge, and cyber-bullying is almost without a doubt one of those catalysts.

Many of these incidents are not cases of cyber-bullying, they are straight up “cyber-assault,” and this has to stop.  

I hope that the new documentary “Bully” will bring more attention to this detrimental problem.


Recently, my teenage cousin posted a Facebook status complaining about people who antagonize others to commit suicide. This naturally caused me great concern, and I messaged my cousin. She informed me that a friend was receiving anonymous posts on her Tumblr account with statements such as “Why don’t you just hang yourself.”

This is so sickening I don’t even need to describe in words how sickening it is. The words are right there. The problem is right here, happening to a friend of my little cousin and happening to countless other silent, cyber victims.

“Why don’t you just hang yourself?”

Whoever you are, why don’t you just find a little compassion in your heart and think about what it means to be human.

For every bully out there, there is no excuse for your hateful words. Take just one minute and think about how your words could possibly destroy someone’s life. Do you really want to destroy a life? I’d like to believe that the answer to that question is no. 

Friday, April 6, 2012

The National Campaign for Suicide Prevention - Where Is It?


We are a generation in great despair. Every night, stories of crime, drugs, diseases, poverty, natural disasters, traffic accidents and bad economies fill television news hours. Disasters and problems of every kind are gathered by earnest reporters and regurgitated into the living rooms of millions of sympathizing Americans.

This nation does a lot to address these issues. From the cracked, frying, egg in the 90’s saying, “this is your brain on drugs” to the billboards today with haunting pictures of meth addicts, campaigns against drug abuse are ongoing. National funding for cancer research is greater than ever. There are federal programs to help the poor, public funds for people with disabilities and large-scale anti-smoking campaigns.

When hurricanes, wildfires and tornadoes strike, people and money come pouring into Louisiana, California and Alabama. Everyone agrees that the economy is bad. Everyone also seems to agree that no one is doing an adequate job of fixing it. Whether or not the solutions are working, however, senators, congressman and presidential hopefuls remain focused on the issue, promising to put the majority of their time and effort into fixing the economy.

We may not agree with the solutions, but at least we can agree that our leaders attempt to address the issues at hand and bring them into the public’s eye. When America has a problem, it is broadcasted, discussed, and picked apart until something is done, whatever that may be.

Despite our constant focus on the most pressing current affairs, one of the most persistent problems plaguing our youth right now is seldom spoken of, and it is certainly not being addressed adequately. That problem is suicide.

We are a generation in great despair.

Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in college students and in the general population between the ages of 24-34. It is the 3rd leading cause of death in teenagers. The suicide rate in The United States has been rising for the past ten years, and every 14.2 minutes, someone in the U.S. dies by suicide. Sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers and friends are dying.

These numbers are both sad and horrific. There should be no question or doubt that something must be done to prevent one of the leading causes of death in our youth, our future leaders.

So where is the national campaign against suicide? Right now, I’m not sure it exists.

In the past month, one of the most popular topics in the news was the case of Dharun Ravi. Dharun placed a Spy Cam on his roommate, Tyler Clementi, and broadcast it live on the Internet. Clementi jumped to his death the next day.

Millions followed the story, eager to learn of the trial outcome for the man that many accuse of causing Tyler’s death. All eyes were on him. Pictures, stories and family members stirred up memories of Tyler, but the focus quickly shifted back to the prosecution and punishment of Dharun.

The focus needs to shift away from Dharun and onto the manner of Tyler Clementi’s death. Tyler died by suicide.

As a nation, it is time to focus on suicide.

Because of tragedies like the case of Clementi and many others, issues such as cyber bullying and privacy laws are starting to be addressed, as evidenced by anti-bullying commercials, YouTube videos and a beautiful new Shinedown song titled “Bully.”

These are important and necessary steps to take in the prevention of suicide, but as important as these issues are, they are not the causes of suicide. Neither a bad economy, bullying, nor Dharun Ravi are to blame for suicide. They may have been catalysts, but they are catalysts to a deeper, more persistent problem that already exists.

The causes of suicide are complex and difficult to understand. They come from feelings of despair, distress, desperation and depression. It is estimated that in 90% of suicides, the person had a diagnosable and treatable mental illness.

Federally funded research should focus on the causes leading up to suicide from a behavioral, brain, and genetic perspective and on effective medical and behavioral strategies for preventing suicide.

Suicide is preventable. We cannot continue to stigmatize mental illness and talk about suicide in whispers. Our fear will only push the problem further from the public’s eye, making help unavailable to those in need. Suicide must be brought into the public’s eye, and there it should remain. How can we ignore a problem that is killing our youth?

The same billboards used to wage the much-needed war against drugs should also be used to promote preventative campaigns against suicide. We need to see more commercials, You Tube videos and news stories on this issue. If people see that help is available and that it is ok to seek help, many will seek it.  

We should talk to our teenagers. We should talk to our children. We should talk to our leaders. Help should be both available and affordable for people in distress. 

Suicide is an urgent, national, public health crisis that deserves immediate attention. More people are affected and more families are devastated with each passing hour. Something must be done.

As Americans, we can continue to sit in front of our televisions, speculating over whether Dharun Ravi caused Tyler Clementi’s death. Or, we can stand up as a nation and actually address this crisis that is taking the lives of our youth and threatening many more.

There is no question that problems such as crime, drugs and the economy must be addressed, but unless we do something to help the mental health of our youth, we may be losing some of the best future leaders who could address these problems.

It is time to stand up to suicide.

Data taken from The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?page_id=04EA1254-BD31-1FA3-C549D77E6CA6AA37